apparently I'm abusive

More like my Mother is. I kid you not that psychopathic jumped on me and started punching my head. All I did was keep her at arms length away until I had enough of it and I pushed her off of me. She grabbed my hair so I grabbed hers back and told her I'll let go as soon as she does. Then same time she went to attempt to punch me in the I said stop it so I accidentally bit her finger. Which she now claims was gushing blood and wouldn't stop bleeding. There wasn't even a scab there, if it was bleeding that bad there would be a scab. And now she's claiming I attacked her. But she does that to everything. She'll attack them then say it was them.
Good news I have a job, it's part time seasonal with a really good chance of permanent seasonal. I hope so. Bad news I don't even have my first check and they already said they need the whole thing. Really? Sure, once they show me the bills that need to be paid. I think it's hilarious how they think I'm going to be bring in 500 or more a week. They told me I'll be working 24-34 hours a week at 7.80 a hour. Highest I'll make on a good week is mid 300. But yeah it's pay up or get out. But good news I'll have money to get me a motel to stay in if all else fails. Can you believe they said "we'll let you get some things you need." WTF? Let? Excuse me last I checked it was me working my ass of for that check! What do they do, nothing. Nobody ever gives me permission on what I can do with the money I make. But Good news is my brother moved back here with his fiance. Their staying at my Grandfather's. They where a day away from being homeless where they were. I told him what was going on and about our Mother attacking me. And how the stress they have me under was physically affecting me (which by the way, I finally had my period after a month late. But whatever I had my period! Finally! More good news!). Their looking for jobs themselves. They don't tend to stay here forever (neither do I). They tend to stay at most a year but cause we all don't have a place really he's going to see what he can do to help themselves and me. He was pissed when he found out what was going on. I'm thinking he's thinking all 3 share a apartment. Which would work great. Him and I shared a apartment before. I adore his fiance. She's a complete sweetheart.
And wow the stuff I have found out. I always knew my mother kept things from me and purposed tried to destroy my chance at succeeding in life. She figures cause I was a accident and I ruined her life she can freely ruin mine. I found out that my Grandma (my Dad's side, sadly I hardly ever get to see her but every few years) has always been willing to help pay for me to get threw school. Willing to pay for my GED so I can get it. Come to find out she's been worried all this time because I don't have it and it bothers her deeply. My mother knew this. I always knew she was willing to help my brother pay to get threw college but my mother never told me about her willing to help me. All I ever had to do was simply ask. But my mother always told me that she didn't really care much for me. Which use to confuse me cause she was always so loving to me whenever I did get to see her but then I figured she did it so it wouldn't rock the boat. And I heard my mother the other night (she didn't know I was awake) say to my stepdad that she wished I never left Texas. Yep, her exact words was "I wish she had never left Texas."
So, to my mother I'm nothing more then a big dollar sign that she has to get revenge on. You know all the shit she put me threw as a kid and I took care of her when she couldn't walk when I was a teen. And what do I get for it? Misery.

website building

I use to have a pro-ed website (more like a few, they kept getting deleted). It's been about 6 years since I had one and I miss having one. It helped with staying strong. Plus I find it's hard to find any pro-ed sites anymore. Plenty of messages board and blogs though. Not much for messages boards but I do love blogs. Despite my lack of keeping up with my own. But I can't find any place that will host it without paying (you know lack of job and all that). Anybody know of a place I can use until I can start paying? Mentioning of sites does any of you know of pro-ana sites out there?
So he called up a DR's office and the nurse told him not to worry. She herself is pretty certain I'm not pregnant and most likely at this point me being stressed about it is making me extremely late. Plus if I have any other stress going on in my life (Ha! I got plenty of that) it'll make it late. Which I already knew that. But 16 days? But apparently it's normal to miss a cycle for no reason at all. I've never missed one myself, been few days late, but never missed one. So, I guess it's a let's wait it out until the second cycle then worry if it doesn't happen. Maybe I should live in white cause I have bad luck and it'll start then, most likely when I'm in public. Anyways she said if I was that worried about it and wanted to really make sure I can come in and get another test done and get a blood test done too. He gave me the number to call this morning since they would have opening on Monday. But I figure I'll wait. If she's pretty certain I'm not and it's normal to miss a cycle then I'll wait until the second cycle to worry. But finding that out lifted a lot of stress off of me. Now, trying to keep my mother off my back is another. Strangely enough yesterday morning she out of the blue said that if I ever had a abortion she'll disown me. I never mention the thought of being pregnant to her. Nobody even knows about this but for him and I. But she's been asking me if I had my period yet. Next time she ask I'm just going to tell her I did. Lucky enough I don't have to deal with this alone. Sadly most women in my spot would have.

Great

I don't know what to do. I may be pregnant. I've took 4 test but the first one I couldn't even make out. There was like a weird clear line. The second one the blue made a weird blob design at the very top of the circle window thing. So I figure clearly the test where messed up. So, I bought two more and they came back negative. But what if the first two were positive but showed up weird and the second ones where false negatives? I think I might just go out at some point when I have the cash and buy a digital one that litterally says pregnant or not pregnant instead of trying to figure out lines. Going into TMI area! My period was supposed to start on the 31st. It's the 13th, well 14th in a hour. 2 weeks late! But I had the cramps like I do around the time I was supposed to start. Since January my period been weird. At most I was 10 days late though. Normally about 3 days late. At this point I can't change the fact that if I am I am. Now I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do! I can't and don't want to keep it, I refuse to let it go to be adopted. Doing that makes it a risk of the child being put into a abusive home. So, only choice is abortion. Which I'm fine with having one. But I can't afford one. As we speak I only have $6 to my name. I was only paid once for babysitting. I have about $120 owed to me for it. Which would help big time in getting a abortion. Next problem is that I would have to travel 236 miles to get to the closet place that does abortions. In this state you have to sign a paper and wait 24 hours. And you have to have someone there with you and for 24 hours afterwards. I certainly can't let anyone in my family in the area know. I would be disowned for this and be on the streets. Only family member I could trust in this is my brother and sister inlaw but in back in Texas about to move to Florida yeah that won't work. Thankfully the man that this all happened with is willing to do anything he can to help. But I've always been the hard headed stubborn one that always took care of my own problems because as far back as I can remember I had too. I had nobody. Plus, I just can't drop the 300-900 plus lodging fees completely on them. After all this is 50% my fault as well. Only person I know in the area that I think would be ok with this and not disown me over it would be my Dad. When my Mother got pregnant with my brother he mentioned about her getting a abortion. She flipped. Of course he's glad now she didn't. But I wonder if 30 years later if he changed his mind about abortion. And if I ask him how he feels about it I know he'll wonder why I'm asking. It's not something we talk about.

Ugh

I'm in love with a man who doesn't believe in love in the romantic sense. I knew I had no chance. Why would someone like me have a chance?

So

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 183 (BMI: 33.5)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.After my last post I worked out and purged everything I had from the BBQ for my Mom's birthday. Thankfully being a vegetarian there is a built in excuse why I ate very little there. I've avoided food since. Babysitting is making it easy to avoid eating. I know purging gets rid of only about 20% of calories but I rather lose 20% then 0%. I've lost few ibs since, thankfully. But how I wish I was at 177 like I was. Well more like I wish I could redo last two weeks cause I know I would of been at my 1st goal and most likely past it. But I guess I can't beat myself up and hang on to it. I gotta let it go if I want to move forward with this and get the weight gone. Good news, no more birthdays coming up. And hopefully that was the last of BBQ's. Now I can go back to avoiding all foods unless I have to eat to keep people off my backs.
Ok, I can't find my glasses. I think I left them over where I babysit. I'll call and see if they are there.

I just want to be perfect

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 186 (BMI: 34.0)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.I know, I know, I haven't really posted much lately. I've been horrible, more like a horrible pig. It's been none stop birthdays and BBQ's and if I don't eat people flip out some reason lately. Well, the reason is because I have stomach problems and they flip out thinking it's that and start pushing medication for stomachs on me. I say no and they start getting upset. If I say I'm not hungry they won't stop up about eating a little of everything. What part of I'm not hungry don't they understand. That's it no more eating. I'm fasting. I'm sick of being fat. All I want is to be thin. I've been thinking, I never used them before, but I was thinking of using diet pills. But I'm lost in the world of diet pills. Any suggestions? I feel so sick to my stomach. I know I'm on my monthly so that tends to add a few pounds. But not 11-12 pounds. At most 5ibs. I'm going to go and work out until I fall over tired.

I may have a job

of babysitting about 9 hours a day. I don't know how much I'll be getting paid but at this point I don't care. It's a job. It's better then nothing. And from looks of it I'll have a seasonal job for next summer. Now, I just have to be worried about this winter cause when the kids I'll be watching go back to school I won't have a job anymore. But when I'm not watching them I can be applying for other jobs for the winter.