So

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 183 (BMI: 33.5)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.After my last post I worked out and purged everything I had from the BBQ for my Mom's birthday. Thankfully being a vegetarian there is a built in excuse why I ate very little there. I've avoided food since. Babysitting is making it easy to avoid eating. I know purging gets rid of only about 20% of calories but I rather lose 20% then 0%. I've lost few ibs since, thankfully. But how I wish I was at 177 like I was. Well more like I wish I could redo last two weeks cause I know I would of been at my 1st goal and most likely past it. But I guess I can't beat myself up and hang on to it. I gotta let it go if I want to move forward with this and get the weight gone. Good news, no more birthdays coming up. And hopefully that was the last of BBQ's. Now I can go back to avoiding all foods unless I have to eat to keep people off my backs.
Ok, I can't find my glasses. I think I left them over where I babysit. I'll call and see if they are there.

I just want to be perfect

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 186 (BMI: 34.0)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.I know, I know, I haven't really posted much lately. I've been horrible, more like a horrible pig. It's been none stop birthdays and BBQ's and if I don't eat people flip out some reason lately. Well, the reason is because I have stomach problems and they flip out thinking it's that and start pushing medication for stomachs on me. I say no and they start getting upset. If I say I'm not hungry they won't stop up about eating a little of everything. What part of I'm not hungry don't they understand. That's it no more eating. I'm fasting. I'm sick of being fat. All I want is to be thin. I've been thinking, I never used them before, but I was thinking of using diet pills. But I'm lost in the world of diet pills. Any suggestions? I feel so sick to my stomach. I know I'm on my monthly so that tends to add a few pounds. But not 11-12 pounds. At most 5ibs. I'm going to go and work out until I fall over tired.

420 cals

Is what I had today. Ick. I wish this nausea would go away. I've had it for almost a week now. I've gained 4ibs. Gross. I haven't been able to walk really cause I've been so nauseated feeling and the dizzy spells are still happening. But whatever I have to walk. I can't stand not walking.

He's not getting me back

So my ex still attempts to get me back. Still attempts to get my jealous. Clearly he didn't really know me or he would know I wasn't the type to get jealous over other woman looking at men I'm interested in or in this case immature boys that I was with but is sooooo not interested in anymore and glad it's over. Anyways, I guess him spying on me like he does he seen me and my friend talking about weight loss on facebook. She's losing weight as well and everyone thinks I'm losing weight the "healthy" way. I had mentioned I had gone down a size in jeans to her. He sends me a message "I would like to see your ass in those jeans." So I sent a reply back "HAHAHA!!!!! Sucks for you cause my ass is reserved for someone else." He left me alone for few days, finally! But I woke up this morning to more messages from him. You'll think he'll get the point that I don't want him and I'm interested in someone else. I don't care how lonely he is. He brought it on himself. He had me, he was abusive, I had enough and I left his sorry ass. He can send me messages about all these woman that want him. I'm not going to get jealous. I just worry about these woman cause I know how he's like. I know what's it's like to be abused. I don't ever want to see another woman go threw that. But I have noticed he's sending less messages. Maybe he's getting it!
So I gained weight. I've been having really bad stomach problems (I have IBS and diverticulosis. Yeah, lucky me!) last few days. I ended up spending the early mornings yesterday puking. Then slept rest of morning, day, night, and this morning. So, I think with my stomach (I easily bloat) and the heat (which makes me gain water weight) it's causing me to gain some weight. I can feel the bloat. I hate that. It's so gross. Sorry for you readers. I'm sure that's more then you wanted to know! Anyways, so I might wait few days before I weigh myself. Let the bloat settle.

ketosis

I want my body to go into ketosis. That would be awesome. I just need to figure out a strict diet plan for when I do have to eat it won't be anything with carbs in it. I just have to be patience for the 3 days it normally takes to get into that state. I never have been in ketosis. So hopefully I will be able too.
I still haven't lost any weight. Ugh!
Thankfully I didn't give into my binge wanting last night. I stayed strong all day yesterday. Thankfully I woke up this morning not wanting too!

Another BBQ

but there was raw veggies and lettuce so I stuck with that and plenty of water and coffee.
So what do you do when you're having a "fling" with someone and you didn't intend to fall in love with them but you did? But you don't want to be in a relationship and they don't either? But yet you so badly want to tell them you love them but you don't want to mess up what you have going with them cause you're happy and content with it for now? You see I don't want to start another relationship right now cause I just got out of a really abusive one 6 months ago. I'm not ready yet. But this person is amazing. Instead of cutting me down like my ex, he brings me up. When everyone else is insulting me and poking at my weight he's there saying I'm beautiful and wonderful just the way I am. I never had anyone say that to me.

Fat is slowly diappearing

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 178 (BMI: 32.6)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

Three more pounds to go. I ate nothing and lived off of lemonade and black coffee. I guess a blend of the lemonade fast and coffee diet. Seemed to have worked with me. I know I will reach my goal waaaaay before August 7th. But I'm about to go to a BBQ. But apparently they'll have fruit so I'll stick to that. Anyways, I just figured I'll post about that.
Still no job. And my ex has manage to turn what I thought was a friend against me. And now suddenly he's buddy buddy with my cousin and she apparently doesn't care to talk to me anymore. And we use to talk a lot. It's kinda heart breaking. Ok, it's completely heart breaking. I was there for my "friend" threw thick and thin. When everyone turned against her I was still there without even questioning her because I knew the truth and I knew she was right.

HAPPY MOMENT!

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 180 (BMI: 32.9)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I was just told that our scale here is 4ibs off then it should be. It makes you 4ibs heavier then what you are! That means I really weight 180 instead of 184! WOOT! Just had to share that bit of good news. Wow, I'm pretty sure I'll make my 1st goal but August 7th then. It's only 5ibs. And I was really getting discouraged too.

Staling

My weight is not budging at 184 and I don't know why. I've been walking non-stop lately and eating less then 150 calories. I have noticed my weight tends to not go below 180-185 area. Why? I use to be able to with no problem! I know I can get past this. Maybe I need to mix up my walking/jogging. Maybe take another route. I know sometimes our bodies can get use to a workout. I guess you'll call it get use to it. I have noticed to that I am gaining muscle in my legs. Maybe that's the problem. Muscle weights more then fat. Maybe I'm losing fat but gaining muscle instead. I hope that's what it is. I much rather have muscle then fat. Well, I'll just mix up my routine and see what happens in a week.
Job searching is still, well, I rather not talk about it. I already talked enough about it in this blog.

Job searching

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 184 (BMI: 33.7)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I'm going to start job searching today. With the rain today I'm going to apply online. Even though it's not raining at the moment but as soon as I have a application in my hand it will start to pour again. And I walk or bicycle anywhere I want to go.
I lost another pound. I got worried yesterday. But I realized it was cause how hot and humid it was yesterday and the day before. I always retain fluid when it's hot, even more so when it's humid. But I jump on the scale today and saw I dropped another pound. Then again I did sweat off the fluid I had build up last night. I kept waking up covered in sweat. So I'm hoping this is a pound of fat and not just water weight.
Went to the beach the other day. Went to a spot that nobody goes too. Swim a little then jump on a trail that's there. Walked for awhile. Loved it.
My Ex now thinks I want to be back with him. HAHAHA! Wow! What a joke that is. Apparently cause I'm pleasant to him when he gets in contact with me makes it that I want him. I never understood his logic on that. I remember once a woman he use to work with had called since he was the one that helped with hiring people and asked if they where hiring again. That's all she asked and wanted to know. As soon as he got off the phone with her "I think she wants me! She called and asked about a job, I know she wants me." Please! She wanted a job, not you, and you help with hiring, duh! It's like whatever I don't want you. It's you that wants me back. Which is why he use to text me asking if I missed him and why he's always drunk messaging me about how horrible his life is now and how it's spiraling out of control since I left. And how he misses having someone. Etc, etc. Now drunk messages I don't reply too. But I have replied to the "do you miss me?" I always replied no. After the 3rd no he stopped. He can't stand the fact that I don't want him and I don't miss him. So he's making up BS. The thing that worries me is that he's feeding this to a woman that's believing him. I don't blame her. He's good at the whole "whoa is me" lines and people do tend to fall for it. And that's what worries me. She apparently broke up with her boyfriend so he's laying it on thick now to her. She's falling for it. I don't want her to get hurt like I did. But he has her convince I'm a complete nutjob (oh if she only knew who really was) so if I was to warn her she wouldn't believe me. I see the games he's playing, the same games he played on me. And I hate seeing another woman get hurt as bad as I did by him. even now every night when I go to bed I have nightmares and it's been 7 months. Sometimes the nightmares are bad enough that I can't sleep rest of the night.
That's about all that's going on in my life at the moment.

coffee diet

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 185 (BMI: 33.8)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I manage to drop another pound. I'm calling this my coffee diet. That's all I've been living off of. Just ten more pounds for my first goal. It's a good thing I'm a coffee addict.
I need to find a job, fast. If I don't by next month I'm going to be kicked out and living on the streets. Awesome! (all kinds of sarcasm with that awesome) Problem with this town, when you are homeless you have no place to go. No shelters no nothing. But I guess that's what you get when you live in a town of just a hair over 16,500 people living in it. Not enough homeless people to bother helping. I don't even know if there is any homeless here. Hopefully I find something. Being homeless in -20 to -30 weather isn't my idea of fun. So I ended up spending the night tossing and turning. Got maybe if I'm lucky two hours sleep. And it's not that I haven't been looking. Just few places are hiring and they aren't calling me after I apply. I'm applying everywhere, even if they aren't hiring. Because you never know. I've gotten calls in the past from places that weren't hiring when I applied. Once I get that job I'm saving every penny for first and last month rent and I'm out of here. Once I find a job I'll be paying $500 a month just for my room in this house. That's not including everything else. That's just crazy. I can pay less (about $400-$450) in this town for a whole apartment. And some of them includes water and power with that. And it's not like it's a bad neighborhood because bad neighborhoods don't exist in this town. The "bad" neighborhood here is the one I'm living in now! And trust me after living almost a decade in a really big city in the South, this neighborhood is Mr. Rogers neighborhood in comparison to the one I lived in down South. Let's just say down there while jogging in my area one night I ran into two robbers. I mean literally we ran into each other. And the search helicopter was out every night. And few shootings literally in the alley behind my house. And cops always chasing people down, which they seemed to love running threw my backyard. So, yeah to me this town doesn't have a bad neighborhood. They say where I'm living at now is bad because there is one or two druggies here. And that's it. Anyways, I had to get that off my chest.