apparently I'm abusive

More like my Mother is. I kid you not that psychopathic jumped on me and started punching my head. All I did was keep her at arms length away until I had enough of it and I pushed her off of me. She grabbed my hair so I grabbed hers back and told her I'll let go as soon as she does. Then same time she went to attempt to punch me in the I said stop it so I accidentally bit her finger. Which she now claims was gushing blood and wouldn't stop bleeding. There wasn't even a scab there, if it was bleeding that bad there would be a scab. And now she's claiming I attacked her. But she does that to everything. She'll attack them then say it was them.
Good news I have a job, it's part time seasonal with a really good chance of permanent seasonal. I hope so. Bad news I don't even have my first check and they already said they need the whole thing. Really? Sure, once they show me the bills that need to be paid. I think it's hilarious how they think I'm going to be bring in 500 or more a week. They told me I'll be working 24-34 hours a week at 7.80 a hour. Highest I'll make on a good week is mid 300. But yeah it's pay up or get out. But good news I'll have money to get me a motel to stay in if all else fails. Can you believe they said "we'll let you get some things you need." WTF? Let? Excuse me last I checked it was me working my ass of for that check! What do they do, nothing. Nobody ever gives me permission on what I can do with the money I make. But Good news is my brother moved back here with his fiance. Their staying at my Grandfather's. They where a day away from being homeless where they were. I told him what was going on and about our Mother attacking me. And how the stress they have me under was physically affecting me (which by the way, I finally had my period after a month late. But whatever I had my period! Finally! More good news!). Their looking for jobs themselves. They don't tend to stay here forever (neither do I). They tend to stay at most a year but cause we all don't have a place really he's going to see what he can do to help themselves and me. He was pissed when he found out what was going on. I'm thinking he's thinking all 3 share a apartment. Which would work great. Him and I shared a apartment before. I adore his fiance. She's a complete sweetheart.
And wow the stuff I have found out. I always knew my mother kept things from me and purposed tried to destroy my chance at succeeding in life. She figures cause I was a accident and I ruined her life she can freely ruin mine. I found out that my Grandma (my Dad's side, sadly I hardly ever get to see her but every few years) has always been willing to help pay for me to get threw school. Willing to pay for my GED so I can get it. Come to find out she's been worried all this time because I don't have it and it bothers her deeply. My mother knew this. I always knew she was willing to help my brother pay to get threw college but my mother never told me about her willing to help me. All I ever had to do was simply ask. But my mother always told me that she didn't really care much for me. Which use to confuse me cause she was always so loving to me whenever I did get to see her but then I figured she did it so it wouldn't rock the boat. And I heard my mother the other night (she didn't know I was awake) say to my stepdad that she wished I never left Texas. Yep, her exact words was "I wish she had never left Texas."
So, to my mother I'm nothing more then a big dollar sign that she has to get revenge on. You know all the shit she put me threw as a kid and I took care of her when she couldn't walk when I was a teen. And what do I get for it? Misery.

website building

I use to have a pro-ed website (more like a few, they kept getting deleted). It's been about 6 years since I had one and I miss having one. It helped with staying strong. Plus I find it's hard to find any pro-ed sites anymore. Plenty of messages board and blogs though. Not much for messages boards but I do love blogs. Despite my lack of keeping up with my own. But I can't find any place that will host it without paying (you know lack of job and all that). Anybody know of a place I can use until I can start paying? Mentioning of sites does any of you know of pro-ana sites out there?
So he called up a DR's office and the nurse told him not to worry. She herself is pretty certain I'm not pregnant and most likely at this point me being stressed about it is making me extremely late. Plus if I have any other stress going on in my life (Ha! I got plenty of that) it'll make it late. Which I already knew that. But 16 days? But apparently it's normal to miss a cycle for no reason at all. I've never missed one myself, been few days late, but never missed one. So, I guess it's a let's wait it out until the second cycle then worry if it doesn't happen. Maybe I should live in white cause I have bad luck and it'll start then, most likely when I'm in public. Anyways she said if I was that worried about it and wanted to really make sure I can come in and get another test done and get a blood test done too. He gave me the number to call this morning since they would have opening on Monday. But I figure I'll wait. If she's pretty certain I'm not and it's normal to miss a cycle then I'll wait until the second cycle to worry. But finding that out lifted a lot of stress off of me. Now, trying to keep my mother off my back is another. Strangely enough yesterday morning she out of the blue said that if I ever had a abortion she'll disown me. I never mention the thought of being pregnant to her. Nobody even knows about this but for him and I. But she's been asking me if I had my period yet. Next time she ask I'm just going to tell her I did. Lucky enough I don't have to deal with this alone. Sadly most women in my spot would have.

Great

I don't know what to do. I may be pregnant. I've took 4 test but the first one I couldn't even make out. There was like a weird clear line. The second one the blue made a weird blob design at the very top of the circle window thing. So I figure clearly the test where messed up. So, I bought two more and they came back negative. But what if the first two were positive but showed up weird and the second ones where false negatives? I think I might just go out at some point when I have the cash and buy a digital one that litterally says pregnant or not pregnant instead of trying to figure out lines. Going into TMI area! My period was supposed to start on the 31st. It's the 13th, well 14th in a hour. 2 weeks late! But I had the cramps like I do around the time I was supposed to start. Since January my period been weird. At most I was 10 days late though. Normally about 3 days late. At this point I can't change the fact that if I am I am. Now I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do! I can't and don't want to keep it, I refuse to let it go to be adopted. Doing that makes it a risk of the child being put into a abusive home. So, only choice is abortion. Which I'm fine with having one. But I can't afford one. As we speak I only have $6 to my name. I was only paid once for babysitting. I have about $120 owed to me for it. Which would help big time in getting a abortion. Next problem is that I would have to travel 236 miles to get to the closet place that does abortions. In this state you have to sign a paper and wait 24 hours. And you have to have someone there with you and for 24 hours afterwards. I certainly can't let anyone in my family in the area know. I would be disowned for this and be on the streets. Only family member I could trust in this is my brother and sister inlaw but in back in Texas about to move to Florida yeah that won't work. Thankfully the man that this all happened with is willing to do anything he can to help. But I've always been the hard headed stubborn one that always took care of my own problems because as far back as I can remember I had too. I had nobody. Plus, I just can't drop the 300-900 plus lodging fees completely on them. After all this is 50% my fault as well. Only person I know in the area that I think would be ok with this and not disown me over it would be my Dad. When my Mother got pregnant with my brother he mentioned about her getting a abortion. She flipped. Of course he's glad now she didn't. But I wonder if 30 years later if he changed his mind about abortion. And if I ask him how he feels about it I know he'll wonder why I'm asking. It's not something we talk about.

Ugh

I'm in love with a man who doesn't believe in love in the romantic sense. I knew I had no chance. Why would someone like me have a chance?

So

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 183 (BMI: 33.5)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.After my last post I worked out and purged everything I had from the BBQ for my Mom's birthday. Thankfully being a vegetarian there is a built in excuse why I ate very little there. I've avoided food since. Babysitting is making it easy to avoid eating. I know purging gets rid of only about 20% of calories but I rather lose 20% then 0%. I've lost few ibs since, thankfully. But how I wish I was at 177 like I was. Well more like I wish I could redo last two weeks cause I know I would of been at my 1st goal and most likely past it. But I guess I can't beat myself up and hang on to it. I gotta let it go if I want to move forward with this and get the weight gone. Good news, no more birthdays coming up. And hopefully that was the last of BBQ's. Now I can go back to avoiding all foods unless I have to eat to keep people off my backs.
Ok, I can't find my glasses. I think I left them over where I babysit. I'll call and see if they are there.

I just want to be perfect

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 186 (BMI: 34.0)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.I know, I know, I haven't really posted much lately. I've been horrible, more like a horrible pig. It's been none stop birthdays and BBQ's and if I don't eat people flip out some reason lately. Well, the reason is because I have stomach problems and they flip out thinking it's that and start pushing medication for stomachs on me. I say no and they start getting upset. If I say I'm not hungry they won't stop up about eating a little of everything. What part of I'm not hungry don't they understand. That's it no more eating. I'm fasting. I'm sick of being fat. All I want is to be thin. I've been thinking, I never used them before, but I was thinking of using diet pills. But I'm lost in the world of diet pills. Any suggestions? I feel so sick to my stomach. I know I'm on my monthly so that tends to add a few pounds. But not 11-12 pounds. At most 5ibs. I'm going to go and work out until I fall over tired.

I may have a job

of babysitting about 9 hours a day. I don't know how much I'll be getting paid but at this point I don't care. It's a job. It's better then nothing. And from looks of it I'll have a seasonal job for next summer. Now, I just have to be worried about this winter cause when the kids I'll be watching go back to school I won't have a job anymore. But when I'm not watching them I can be applying for other jobs for the winter.

420 cals

Is what I had today. Ick. I wish this nausea would go away. I've had it for almost a week now. I've gained 4ibs. Gross. I haven't been able to walk really cause I've been so nauseated feeling and the dizzy spells are still happening. But whatever I have to walk. I can't stand not walking.

So I was just told to get my stuff together

cause my sister is moving back in, maybe..... Really? I'm being kicked out cause she wants to move back in? Then few weeks will pass and she'll leave. Then few months later she'll want to come back.
Well, I think I may found out why I'm not getting any call backs for work. My old manager just warned me about the woman that was above her bad mouths ex employers. She learned this the hard way herself when she left. And another old co-worker learned this the hard way too. As soon as they stop putting her down they got hired.
These are times I just want to bawl my eyes out. These are times when I really see that I have nobody in my corner. It's times like this I realize why I prefer to be alone and like being a loner cause you don't get hurt that way. All I ever wanted in life was to be on my own, in my own place, and be happy. Is that really to much to ask for in life? I never cared to be rich, have the best job, etc. All I just wanted is to survive on my own. I guess I was never meant to be happy.
Anyways, if you don't hear from me, I guess you all know why. I'll update this as soon as possible.

He's not getting me back

So my ex still attempts to get me back. Still attempts to get my jealous. Clearly he didn't really know me or he would know I wasn't the type to get jealous over other woman looking at men I'm interested in or in this case immature boys that I was with but is sooooo not interested in anymore and glad it's over. Anyways, I guess him spying on me like he does he seen me and my friend talking about weight loss on facebook. She's losing weight as well and everyone thinks I'm losing weight the "healthy" way. I had mentioned I had gone down a size in jeans to her. He sends me a message "I would like to see your ass in those jeans." So I sent a reply back "HAHAHA!!!!! Sucks for you cause my ass is reserved for someone else." He left me alone for few days, finally! But I woke up this morning to more messages from him. You'll think he'll get the point that I don't want him and I'm interested in someone else. I don't care how lonely he is. He brought it on himself. He had me, he was abusive, I had enough and I left his sorry ass. He can send me messages about all these woman that want him. I'm not going to get jealous. I just worry about these woman cause I know how he's like. I know what's it's like to be abused. I don't ever want to see another woman go threw that. But I have noticed he's sending less messages. Maybe he's getting it!
So I gained weight. I've been having really bad stomach problems (I have IBS and diverticulosis. Yeah, lucky me!) last few days. I ended up spending the early mornings yesterday puking. Then slept rest of morning, day, night, and this morning. So, I think with my stomach (I easily bloat) and the heat (which makes me gain water weight) it's causing me to gain some weight. I can feel the bloat. I hate that. It's so gross. Sorry for you readers. I'm sure that's more then you wanted to know! Anyways, so I might wait few days before I weigh myself. Let the bloat settle.

ketosis

I want my body to go into ketosis. That would be awesome. I just need to figure out a strict diet plan for when I do have to eat it won't be anything with carbs in it. I just have to be patience for the 3 days it normally takes to get into that state. I never have been in ketosis. So hopefully I will be able too.
I still haven't lost any weight. Ugh!
Thankfully I didn't give into my binge wanting last night. I stayed strong all day yesterday. Thankfully I woke up this morning not wanting too!

resisting

I don't know why but I want to binge, horribly. I'm craving all kinds of disgusting foods (I'm talking fast food like disgusting). Carbs, fried, etc. I never really liked fried food but when a binge is coming on I start craving fried foods. Good thing is I'm a vegetarian so it makes it harder to binge on fried foods. Most is meats. I think it's because of two days of being at BBQ's and seeing all the food.
I've been avoiding walking/jogging last two days. The heat is horrible and I've been having dizzy spells. I figured play it safe. But I did end up walking total of three miles to and from a friends' house. Some of it I jogged too.
Once again my weight isn't moving.
So my ex is still trying to cause problems for me and attempting to turn people against me. If they knew just how horribly abusive he was towards me, how much hurt and suffering I went threw because of him, he would be alone. And his attempts at trying to make himself look great and doing better then me is sad. Fine his band was doing great..... 10 years ago. Their now are constantly losing members and trying to replace them so they can't do a show, nobody even remembers them anymore, doing drugs, drinking to the point he's wondering around downtown not knowing what he's doing and people have to look for him, drinking and driving, chain smoking, about to lose his house, car, etc. And he's bragging about hanging out with a ex-drummer for a certain early 90's musician that everyone makes fun of. Only hint I'm giving as to who it is is that he's ice that's vanilla flavored. Anyways, my ex would be a perfect candidate for VH1 Where Are They Now. And this is supposed to make me want to come back? Make me feel oh so bad for leaving his sorry behind? HAHAHA! Dream on little boy. I'm using my ex as inspiration. To do better.

Another BBQ

but there was raw veggies and lettuce so I stuck with that and plenty of water and coffee.
So what do you do when you're having a "fling" with someone and you didn't intend to fall in love with them but you did? But you don't want to be in a relationship and they don't either? But yet you so badly want to tell them you love them but you don't want to mess up what you have going with them cause you're happy and content with it for now? You see I don't want to start another relationship right now cause I just got out of a really abusive one 6 months ago. I'm not ready yet. But this person is amazing. Instead of cutting me down like my ex, he brings me up. When everyone else is insulting me and poking at my weight he's there saying I'm beautiful and wonderful just the way I am. I never had anyone say that to me.

So

While at the BBQ I munched on watermelon. Then took a walk around the woods for a while. It was nice taking a walk back there. Don't get to do it often enough. Plus, I wanted to see what was back there beyond the trails we have back there. Way it is in this house I won't be surprise if they find another reason to kick me out so when they do I'm headed to my Grandfather's woods. They assume I can't survive homeless. They assume I'm stupid. What they don't realize is when you take a woman who was a tomboy growing up (and still is), always interested in survival in the wild, grew up in the woods, loves working with her hands, prefers old fashion tools over electric, a Grandfather who built all kinds of houses, along with a father who built buildings (and said woman helped) plus plenty of woods, you get a woman who knows how to build a old fashion cabin without modern things. Just a ax and a club of sorts. Which making a club is easy. And my family leaves hand tools behind in the woods during the summer for getting wood for their wood burners. They just tuck them away in large plastic coolers so they won't rust in the rain but don't have to worry about lugging them back and forth with the wood. And people tend to stick the most random things back there. I came upon a RV that's in good shape. They don't use it. Awesome. Everything that I would need to build a tiny cabin is back there. Next time I get kicked out and they changed their mind, I'm not staying. Don't care how much they ask me to come back. I won't.

P.S. Funny part. I'll still have internet access there.

Fat is slowly diappearing

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 178 (BMI: 32.6)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

Three more pounds to go. I ate nothing and lived off of lemonade and black coffee. I guess a blend of the lemonade fast and coffee diet. Seemed to have worked with me. I know I will reach my goal waaaaay before August 7th. But I'm about to go to a BBQ. But apparently they'll have fruit so I'll stick to that. Anyways, I just figured I'll post about that.
Still no job. And my ex has manage to turn what I thought was a friend against me. And now suddenly he's buddy buddy with my cousin and she apparently doesn't care to talk to me anymore. And we use to talk a lot. It's kinda heart breaking. Ok, it's completely heart breaking. I was there for my "friend" threw thick and thin. When everyone turned against her I was still there without even questioning her because I knew the truth and I knew she was right.

HAPPY MOMENT!

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 180 (BMI: 32.9)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I was just told that our scale here is 4ibs off then it should be. It makes you 4ibs heavier then what you are! That means I really weight 180 instead of 184! WOOT! Just had to share that bit of good news. Wow, I'm pretty sure I'll make my 1st goal but August 7th then. It's only 5ibs. And I was really getting discouraged too.

Staling

My weight is not budging at 184 and I don't know why. I've been walking non-stop lately and eating less then 150 calories. I have noticed my weight tends to not go below 180-185 area. Why? I use to be able to with no problem! I know I can get past this. Maybe I need to mix up my walking/jogging. Maybe take another route. I know sometimes our bodies can get use to a workout. I guess you'll call it get use to it. I have noticed to that I am gaining muscle in my legs. Maybe that's the problem. Muscle weights more then fat. Maybe I'm losing fat but gaining muscle instead. I hope that's what it is. I much rather have muscle then fat. Well, I'll just mix up my routine and see what happens in a week.
Job searching is still, well, I rather not talk about it. I already talked enough about it in this blog.

Haven't heard back

So I guess apparently I didn't get the job. Watching a dog for 12 hours a day for about 7.30 a hour would of been nice. And gave me a reason not to be in this house for 12 hours of the day. Only go home to sleep. That would of been great.
So apparently I owe them my life cause I've been here 6 months without a job and once again apparently they could of had someone paying $500. Right..... Apparently they aren't getting it. I have been looking for a job. Along with everyone else in this area. My cousin spent 2 years of non-stop looking for a job in this town and she just finally found one. I don't think they realize just what it's like to look for a job now-a-days. For each job opening there's 100's applying to it cause people are desperate. There's people that where pretty high on the corporate ladder now flipping burgers. But then when you take someone who didn't finish high school and they have to compete with people who have and many who went on to collage. Yeah, not exactly good chances there. Worse I suffer from anthropophobia. People just assume I'm a loner. Which that I am. But I also fear people. It takes a lot for me to get the guts to talk to someone. Even more so interviews. I will confess I do horrible in interviews. I can understand why they wouldn't hire me. I wouldn't. All the jobs I ever had I got hired because I knew someone that was working there. Which made it easy when applying. Still had to do interviews but it made it sooooo much easier because I already got the job. I moved back to this town and I know nobody. Sometimes it's hard to ask for a application. I can do it but it's hard. Same as going up and asking for help. And let's not get talking about calling people I don't know. I can't do it. Very few times I was able too. A lot of friends joke around about how my phone would always go to the answering machine and they would have to leave a message and I would call them back. They think I just hate answering the phone. It's cause I worry about it being someone I don't know really well. But I am slowly improving on that as well. Another reason why I didn't get a cellphone until this past January. Funny cause while I don't miss having a cellphone it was nice having one cause I knew who was calling me. They didn't have to leave a message and wait for me to call them back. If I knew them I would answer. Or they could easily text me.
Wow, who knew having this blog would make me share more stuff then I normally do.

So I was kicked out this morning

Reason being? Because I was looking at apartments. Yep, I think they realized that I'm not going to be here long and they know the whole "we can find someone else to live here for $500" BS doesn't work on me. Please, why would someone pay that much to live in a tiny room when they live in a town where they can get a small apartment for that price? When people rent rooms out in this area it's about $100 (maybe $150-200 to cover bills) they charge. Anyways, they ended up changing their mind so I came back (I guess they figure I'll be on my knees begging for mercy instead of actually packing up and walking out). But my bag is staying packed. I don't trust them. I never had. Never will. And they shouldn't be blaming me cause they want to blow over $200 on drinking and gambling when they know they can't afford it. Even if I was paying rent they still couldn't afford that. Even more so when they have a vehicle that needs to be fixed. It's not my fault they can't be responsible with their own money.
Anyways, I'm off to apply for jobs.

Wow what BS!

I applied for a job as a pet sitter. If I get it it'll be 12 hours a day. I love animals so spending 12 hours with a little dog would be awesome.
Now for the BS. My step sister when living here only paid $250 a month for rent, she paid nothing else. I'm going to have to pay $500 rent plus electric, gas, water, etc. And still clean their dishes, their messes around the house. She hardly ever lifted a finger. They cleaned up after her. They even said they did. Oh and her boyfriend pretty much lived here. He would be here months at a time. Don't get me wrong I get paying rent then help with the extras. But a 10x8 space is hardly worth $500. There's nearby apartments that for $565 I get a good size apartment water included. All I would have to pay for is electricity and phone. And it's just the fact that my step sister only had to pay half what I'll pay in rent and I'm staying in the same room she stayed in. And she didn't pay for anything else like I will. Here's the kicker. They paid for her cellphone..... Even bigger kicker they still were when she moved out and was for months afterwards. At one point she had two cellphones. I gave mine up cause I wouldn't have been able to afford it. And honestly I don't miss it. And she still constantly calls wanting money. She makes more then they do. And yet they hand it over to her. Not once have I ever asked for money since being here. If I don't have the money for it, I don't buy it. Even if I need it. Here I sit with a kidney stone which needs a doctor. But I don't cause I have no way of paying for it. But she wants a new movie, game, or to go on a shopping spree they just hand over the money. I don't expect or want anyone to pay my way threw life. I don't want them to foot my medical bills. But it's the principal of the whole thing. Why is she getting treated differently then me. Then again she gets treated differently then my other step sister. It's like they put her up on this peddle stole and expects everybody to baby her. And yet they wouldn't ever dream of throwing her out into the streets. But I'm facing being homeless. And constantly hearing about how they can get someone in there for 500. Well, if I get this job (crosses fingers and prays) then they can find someone. As soon as I get first and last months rent, I'm gone. Which with the amount of hours it would be it won't be hard to get that much. And since I'm going to end up with two bank accounts I'll just transfer all extra over to my old one (my bank don't have a branch in this area but I love the bank so I'm pretty much just getting one local just to cash my checks kinda thing). I'll just let them think I'm getting paid less then I am and let them think I don't have my old bank account.
P.S.
Dear God, please help me. I need you once again.

Job searching

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 184 (BMI: 33.7)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I'm going to start job searching today. With the rain today I'm going to apply online. Even though it's not raining at the moment but as soon as I have a application in my hand it will start to pour again. And I walk or bicycle anywhere I want to go.
I lost another pound. I got worried yesterday. But I realized it was cause how hot and humid it was yesterday and the day before. I always retain fluid when it's hot, even more so when it's humid. But I jump on the scale today and saw I dropped another pound. Then again I did sweat off the fluid I had build up last night. I kept waking up covered in sweat. So I'm hoping this is a pound of fat and not just water weight.
Went to the beach the other day. Went to a spot that nobody goes too. Swim a little then jump on a trail that's there. Walked for awhile. Loved it.
My Ex now thinks I want to be back with him. HAHAHA! Wow! What a joke that is. Apparently cause I'm pleasant to him when he gets in contact with me makes it that I want him. I never understood his logic on that. I remember once a woman he use to work with had called since he was the one that helped with hiring people and asked if they where hiring again. That's all she asked and wanted to know. As soon as he got off the phone with her "I think she wants me! She called and asked about a job, I know she wants me." Please! She wanted a job, not you, and you help with hiring, duh! It's like whatever I don't want you. It's you that wants me back. Which is why he use to text me asking if I missed him and why he's always drunk messaging me about how horrible his life is now and how it's spiraling out of control since I left. And how he misses having someone. Etc, etc. Now drunk messages I don't reply too. But I have replied to the "do you miss me?" I always replied no. After the 3rd no he stopped. He can't stand the fact that I don't want him and I don't miss him. So he's making up BS. The thing that worries me is that he's feeding this to a woman that's believing him. I don't blame her. He's good at the whole "whoa is me" lines and people do tend to fall for it. And that's what worries me. She apparently broke up with her boyfriend so he's laying it on thick now to her. She's falling for it. I don't want her to get hurt like I did. But he has her convince I'm a complete nutjob (oh if she only knew who really was) so if I was to warn her she wouldn't believe me. I see the games he's playing, the same games he played on me. And I hate seeing another woman get hurt as bad as I did by him. even now every night when I go to bed I have nightmares and it's been 7 months. Sometimes the nightmares are bad enough that I can't sleep rest of the night.
That's about all that's going on in my life at the moment.

coffee diet

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 185 (BMI: 33.8)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I manage to drop another pound. I'm calling this my coffee diet. That's all I've been living off of. Just ten more pounds for my first goal. It's a good thing I'm a coffee addict.
I need to find a job, fast. If I don't by next month I'm going to be kicked out and living on the streets. Awesome! (all kinds of sarcasm with that awesome) Problem with this town, when you are homeless you have no place to go. No shelters no nothing. But I guess that's what you get when you live in a town of just a hair over 16,500 people living in it. Not enough homeless people to bother helping. I don't even know if there is any homeless here. Hopefully I find something. Being homeless in -20 to -30 weather isn't my idea of fun. So I ended up spending the night tossing and turning. Got maybe if I'm lucky two hours sleep. And it's not that I haven't been looking. Just few places are hiring and they aren't calling me after I apply. I'm applying everywhere, even if they aren't hiring. Because you never know. I've gotten calls in the past from places that weren't hiring when I applied. Once I get that job I'm saving every penny for first and last month rent and I'm out of here. Once I find a job I'll be paying $500 a month just for my room in this house. That's not including everything else. That's just crazy. I can pay less (about $400-$450) in this town for a whole apartment. And some of them includes water and power with that. And it's not like it's a bad neighborhood because bad neighborhoods don't exist in this town. The "bad" neighborhood here is the one I'm living in now! And trust me after living almost a decade in a really big city in the South, this neighborhood is Mr. Rogers neighborhood in comparison to the one I lived in down South. Let's just say down there while jogging in my area one night I ran into two robbers. I mean literally we ran into each other. And the search helicopter was out every night. And few shootings literally in the alley behind my house. And cops always chasing people down, which they seemed to love running threw my backyard. So, yeah to me this town doesn't have a bad neighborhood. They say where I'm living at now is bad because there is one or two druggies here. And that's it. Anyways, I had to get that off my chest.

Woot!

Weight: 186
BMI 34.0
1st Goal weight: 175
By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160
By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99
By: Oct.
So I lost a pound. Hopefully I'll lose that other pound. And with even more hope I lose 11 pounds to reach my first goat. Didn't do any workout today but I spent the day cleaning. Tomorrow I will get my butt out there and walk/jog. I really don't have anything else to say. Just wanted to write down my tiny progress. Plus, I want to keep the habit of writing in this. I started blogs many times before and I end up not keeping up with them. Then again those weren't for weight loss so I would go a while without anything worth writing about.

Some "ana tips" just don't work for me

It's weird but stuff that seems to help others don't for me. Or worse it does the complete opposite. Like drinking water to stay full. I tend to get more hungry it seems with that. Odd I know. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me that thinks that. Either way I'll still drink water instead of other things. But one thing that does always work for me. Cooking. If I cook by the time I'm done cooking I'm not hungry anymore and I don't want it. Smell of food and preparing is apparently enough for me. So at least I got that on my side. Maybe I should work in a soup kitchen or restaurant, I would never eat. Added benefit people assume that if you cook you ate some of it even though you didn't!
Mentioning of people thinking you're eating when you're not. I got to figure out safe foods to eat for when I have to sit down at the table with the family. Thankfully that hardly ever happens but when it does I want a plate of safe foods that are low or preferable no calories but  that doesn't scream that it is. Other words something besides a plate of salad. Cause my family will pick at me for eating only salad. Any suggestion on things that are low/0 calories but would come off as a "real meal?" I'm a vegetarian so that helps cause they are not. Therefore they are lost on what I can and can't eat. But the problem is they pick at what I eat with things like "you can't just eat only that?!?!"

Guilt

Weight: 187
BMI 34.2
1st Goal weight: 175
2nd Goal weight: 160
The Big Goal: 99

I gained 2ibs. Ugh! Were, how, when? And I've been working out and eating nothing but calorie and fat free foods whenever I do eat. Maybe it's water weight? I hope! I really need to drop 12ibs. I know I can in a month if I could just have the courage and self control. I just need to get really strict on myself and work out even more then I have been. But with this cold I had which turned to sinus, it's hard to workout without it turning into a huge hacking fit.

Relasped

Anorexia is not a easy life. I've dealt with this my whole life. Even as a child. I was a 6 year old little girl who put herself on a diet without anyone knowing cause I was tired of being fat. I look back at old photos of that 6 year old me and realized I wasn't fat at the time. Anyways, being a little kid I would get tired of the "diet." But I never did really eat candy, just never cared for it. Still don't. Not much of a sweets kinda person. Around 11 I started putting on weight like most kids do at that age. I didn't like it. I hated it. But it wouldn't stop. Around that time I was also suffering from depression, which made me eat more. So, I packed on even more weight. Around 14 is when Anorexia reared it's ugly head in full swing. At 15 I suffered a full blown attack from a illness I still suffer from today and will always suffer from. That only help encourage my anorexia cause anything that I ate would cause my stomach go into extremely painful spasms. I would fast for a week, two weeks, even a month straight. Within that year I dropped 40 some pounds. I remember the day I saw my first rib. I remember when I realized you could see my spine. Finally my doctors and I got my illness under control. But they of course didn't know about my anorexia. They assumed all my weight loss was from the illness, which most of it was. They assumed I would gain it back. I finally did few years later at 17 when I attempted to recover from my ED. It was a promise to someone that I would try my best to get better after they figured out what was going on. Then at around 20 it came back again. During those 3 years there was many times it would try to come back and I struggled so hard to push it back. But finally I wasn't strong enough to fight back. I was depressed, under to much stress, and in a abusive relationship. Anorexia won, again. Then one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was completely broken. I had to get my life back. I struggle so hard to escape the cold fingers that anorexia had grasped onto me, I finally did. The guy I was with was trying to get better from being what he was. He went into therapy. Everything seemed to be getting better. But then it all went down hill, again. He went back to being abusive, this time verbal and controlling. And once again I was going weeks with fasting. I ended up sick with a rare illness were your immune system attacks your blood. I was hospitalized. By the time I decided to go to the hospital I shocked doctors that I was even walking, let alone alive. I had lost 20ibs. I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. I had to be careful while in the hospital not to so much lightly bump into anything cause I could of bleed to death. I had blood under the sign from them checking my blood pressure. Finally I was able to go home. But the meds they put me on made me hungry as a horse. So I ate and gained the 20ibs back and then some. I decided to once again attempt to recover from anorexia and escape my boyfriend. It took a year but I finally escaped him. Anorexia was extremely hard to leave, ended up with a addiction to exercising. It was like I was abandoning my best friend but I thought I finally escaped anorexia. But sadly I didn't. It came back, this time with a addiction to exercising. And while I'm far enough away from my ex that he can't physically hurt me, he still won't leave me alone. But at least I can just ignore his messages. And here I am in my mid 20's attempting to start my life over again with a ED.