So

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 183 (BMI: 33.5)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.After my last post I worked out and purged everything I had from the BBQ for my Mom's birthday. Thankfully being a vegetarian there is a built in excuse why I ate very little there. I've avoided food since. Babysitting is making it easy to avoid eating. I know purging gets rid of only about 20% of calories but I rather lose 20% then 0%. I've lost few ibs since, thankfully. But how I wish I was at 177 like I was. Well more like I wish I could redo last two weeks cause I know I would of been at my 1st goal and most likely past it. But I guess I can't beat myself up and hang on to it. I gotta let it go if I want to move forward with this and get the weight gone. Good news, no more birthdays coming up. And hopefully that was the last of BBQ's. Now I can go back to avoiding all foods unless I have to eat to keep people off my backs.
Ok, I can't find my glasses. I think I left them over where I babysit. I'll call and see if they are there.

I just want to be perfect

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 186 (BMI: 34.0)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.I know, I know, I haven't really posted much lately. I've been horrible, more like a horrible pig. It's been none stop birthdays and BBQ's and if I don't eat people flip out some reason lately. Well, the reason is because I have stomach problems and they flip out thinking it's that and start pushing medication for stomachs on me. I say no and they start getting upset. If I say I'm not hungry they won't stop up about eating a little of everything. What part of I'm not hungry don't they understand. That's it no more eating. I'm fasting. I'm sick of being fat. All I want is to be thin. I've been thinking, I never used them before, but I was thinking of using diet pills. But I'm lost in the world of diet pills. Any suggestions? I feel so sick to my stomach. I know I'm on my monthly so that tends to add a few pounds. But not 11-12 pounds. At most 5ibs. I'm going to go and work out until I fall over tired.

So I was just told to get my stuff together

cause my sister is moving back in, maybe..... Really? I'm being kicked out cause she wants to move back in? Then few weeks will pass and she'll leave. Then few months later she'll want to come back.
Well, I think I may found out why I'm not getting any call backs for work. My old manager just warned me about the woman that was above her bad mouths ex employers. She learned this the hard way herself when she left. And another old co-worker learned this the hard way too. As soon as they stop putting her down they got hired.
These are times I just want to bawl my eyes out. These are times when I really see that I have nobody in my corner. It's times like this I realize why I prefer to be alone and like being a loner cause you don't get hurt that way. All I ever wanted in life was to be on my own, in my own place, and be happy. Is that really to much to ask for in life? I never cared to be rich, have the best job, etc. All I just wanted is to survive on my own. I guess I was never meant to be happy.
Anyways, if you don't hear from me, I guess you all know why. I'll update this as soon as possible.

He's not getting me back

So my ex still attempts to get me back. Still attempts to get my jealous. Clearly he didn't really know me or he would know I wasn't the type to get jealous over other woman looking at men I'm interested in or in this case immature boys that I was with but is sooooo not interested in anymore and glad it's over. Anyways, I guess him spying on me like he does he seen me and my friend talking about weight loss on facebook. She's losing weight as well and everyone thinks I'm losing weight the "healthy" way. I had mentioned I had gone down a size in jeans to her. He sends me a message "I would like to see your ass in those jeans." So I sent a reply back "HAHAHA!!!!! Sucks for you cause my ass is reserved for someone else." He left me alone for few days, finally! But I woke up this morning to more messages from him. You'll think he'll get the point that I don't want him and I'm interested in someone else. I don't care how lonely he is. He brought it on himself. He had me, he was abusive, I had enough and I left his sorry ass. He can send me messages about all these woman that want him. I'm not going to get jealous. I just worry about these woman cause I know how he's like. I know what's it's like to be abused. I don't ever want to see another woman go threw that. But I have noticed he's sending less messages. Maybe he's getting it!
So I gained weight. I've been having really bad stomach problems (I have IBS and diverticulosis. Yeah, lucky me!) last few days. I ended up spending the early mornings yesterday puking. Then slept rest of morning, day, night, and this morning. So, I think with my stomach (I easily bloat) and the heat (which makes me gain water weight) it's causing me to gain some weight. I can feel the bloat. I hate that. It's so gross. Sorry for you readers. I'm sure that's more then you wanted to know! Anyways, so I might wait few days before I weigh myself. Let the bloat settle.

So

While at the BBQ I munched on watermelon. Then took a walk around the woods for a while. It was nice taking a walk back there. Don't get to do it often enough. Plus, I wanted to see what was back there beyond the trails we have back there. Way it is in this house I won't be surprise if they find another reason to kick me out so when they do I'm headed to my Grandfather's woods. They assume I can't survive homeless. They assume I'm stupid. What they don't realize is when you take a woman who was a tomboy growing up (and still is), always interested in survival in the wild, grew up in the woods, loves working with her hands, prefers old fashion tools over electric, a Grandfather who built all kinds of houses, along with a father who built buildings (and said woman helped) plus plenty of woods, you get a woman who knows how to build a old fashion cabin without modern things. Just a ax and a club of sorts. Which making a club is easy. And my family leaves hand tools behind in the woods during the summer for getting wood for their wood burners. They just tuck them away in large plastic coolers so they won't rust in the rain but don't have to worry about lugging them back and forth with the wood. And people tend to stick the most random things back there. I came upon a RV that's in good shape. They don't use it. Awesome. Everything that I would need to build a tiny cabin is back there. Next time I get kicked out and they changed their mind, I'm not staying. Don't care how much they ask me to come back. I won't.

P.S. Funny part. I'll still have internet access there.

Haven't heard back

So I guess apparently I didn't get the job. Watching a dog for 12 hours a day for about 7.30 a hour would of been nice. And gave me a reason not to be in this house for 12 hours of the day. Only go home to sleep. That would of been great.
So apparently I owe them my life cause I've been here 6 months without a job and once again apparently they could of had someone paying $500. Right..... Apparently they aren't getting it. I have been looking for a job. Along with everyone else in this area. My cousin spent 2 years of non-stop looking for a job in this town and she just finally found one. I don't think they realize just what it's like to look for a job now-a-days. For each job opening there's 100's applying to it cause people are desperate. There's people that where pretty high on the corporate ladder now flipping burgers. But then when you take someone who didn't finish high school and they have to compete with people who have and many who went on to collage. Yeah, not exactly good chances there. Worse I suffer from anthropophobia. People just assume I'm a loner. Which that I am. But I also fear people. It takes a lot for me to get the guts to talk to someone. Even more so interviews. I will confess I do horrible in interviews. I can understand why they wouldn't hire me. I wouldn't. All the jobs I ever had I got hired because I knew someone that was working there. Which made it easy when applying. Still had to do interviews but it made it sooooo much easier because I already got the job. I moved back to this town and I know nobody. Sometimes it's hard to ask for a application. I can do it but it's hard. Same as going up and asking for help. And let's not get talking about calling people I don't know. I can't do it. Very few times I was able too. A lot of friends joke around about how my phone would always go to the answering machine and they would have to leave a message and I would call them back. They think I just hate answering the phone. It's cause I worry about it being someone I don't know really well. But I am slowly improving on that as well. Another reason why I didn't get a cellphone until this past January. Funny cause while I don't miss having a cellphone it was nice having one cause I knew who was calling me. They didn't have to leave a message and wait for me to call them back. If I knew them I would answer. Or they could easily text me.
Wow, who knew having this blog would make me share more stuff then I normally do.

So I was kicked out this morning

Reason being? Because I was looking at apartments. Yep, I think they realized that I'm not going to be here long and they know the whole "we can find someone else to live here for $500" BS doesn't work on me. Please, why would someone pay that much to live in a tiny room when they live in a town where they can get a small apartment for that price? When people rent rooms out in this area it's about $100 (maybe $150-200 to cover bills) they charge. Anyways, they ended up changing their mind so I came back (I guess they figure I'll be on my knees begging for mercy instead of actually packing up and walking out). But my bag is staying packed. I don't trust them. I never had. Never will. And they shouldn't be blaming me cause they want to blow over $200 on drinking and gambling when they know they can't afford it. Even if I was paying rent they still couldn't afford that. Even more so when they have a vehicle that needs to be fixed. It's not my fault they can't be responsible with their own money.
Anyways, I'm off to apply for jobs.

Wow what BS!

I applied for a job as a pet sitter. If I get it it'll be 12 hours a day. I love animals so spending 12 hours with a little dog would be awesome.
Now for the BS. My step sister when living here only paid $250 a month for rent, she paid nothing else. I'm going to have to pay $500 rent plus electric, gas, water, etc. And still clean their dishes, their messes around the house. She hardly ever lifted a finger. They cleaned up after her. They even said they did. Oh and her boyfriend pretty much lived here. He would be here months at a time. Don't get me wrong I get paying rent then help with the extras. But a 10x8 space is hardly worth $500. There's nearby apartments that for $565 I get a good size apartment water included. All I would have to pay for is electricity and phone. And it's just the fact that my step sister only had to pay half what I'll pay in rent and I'm staying in the same room she stayed in. And she didn't pay for anything else like I will. Here's the kicker. They paid for her cellphone..... Even bigger kicker they still were when she moved out and was for months afterwards. At one point she had two cellphones. I gave mine up cause I wouldn't have been able to afford it. And honestly I don't miss it. And she still constantly calls wanting money. She makes more then they do. And yet they hand it over to her. Not once have I ever asked for money since being here. If I don't have the money for it, I don't buy it. Even if I need it. Here I sit with a kidney stone which needs a doctor. But I don't cause I have no way of paying for it. But she wants a new movie, game, or to go on a shopping spree they just hand over the money. I don't expect or want anyone to pay my way threw life. I don't want them to foot my medical bills. But it's the principal of the whole thing. Why is she getting treated differently then me. Then again she gets treated differently then my other step sister. It's like they put her up on this peddle stole and expects everybody to baby her. And yet they wouldn't ever dream of throwing her out into the streets. But I'm facing being homeless. And constantly hearing about how they can get someone in there for 500. Well, if I get this job (crosses fingers and prays) then they can find someone. As soon as I get first and last months rent, I'm gone. Which with the amount of hours it would be it won't be hard to get that much. And since I'm going to end up with two bank accounts I'll just transfer all extra over to my old one (my bank don't have a branch in this area but I love the bank so I'm pretty much just getting one local just to cash my checks kinda thing). I'll just let them think I'm getting paid less then I am and let them think I don't have my old bank account.
P.S.
Dear God, please help me. I need you once again.