He's not getting me back

So my ex still attempts to get me back. Still attempts to get my jealous. Clearly he didn't really know me or he would know I wasn't the type to get jealous over other woman looking at men I'm interested in or in this case immature boys that I was with but is sooooo not interested in anymore and glad it's over. Anyways, I guess him spying on me like he does he seen me and my friend talking about weight loss on facebook. She's losing weight as well and everyone thinks I'm losing weight the "healthy" way. I had mentioned I had gone down a size in jeans to her. He sends me a message "I would like to see your ass in those jeans." So I sent a reply back "HAHAHA!!!!! Sucks for you cause my ass is reserved for someone else." He left me alone for few days, finally! But I woke up this morning to more messages from him. You'll think he'll get the point that I don't want him and I'm interested in someone else. I don't care how lonely he is. He brought it on himself. He had me, he was abusive, I had enough and I left his sorry ass. He can send me messages about all these woman that want him. I'm not going to get jealous. I just worry about these woman cause I know how he's like. I know what's it's like to be abused. I don't ever want to see another woman go threw that. But I have noticed he's sending less messages. Maybe he's getting it!
So I gained weight. I've been having really bad stomach problems (I have IBS and diverticulosis. Yeah, lucky me!) last few days. I ended up spending the early mornings yesterday puking. Then slept rest of morning, day, night, and this morning. So, I think with my stomach (I easily bloat) and the heat (which makes me gain water weight) it's causing me to gain some weight. I can feel the bloat. I hate that. It's so gross. Sorry for you readers. I'm sure that's more then you wanted to know! Anyways, so I might wait few days before I weigh myself. Let the bloat settle.

resisting

I don't know why but I want to binge, horribly. I'm craving all kinds of disgusting foods (I'm talking fast food like disgusting). Carbs, fried, etc. I never really liked fried food but when a binge is coming on I start craving fried foods. Good thing is I'm a vegetarian so it makes it harder to binge on fried foods. Most is meats. I think it's because of two days of being at BBQ's and seeing all the food.
I've been avoiding walking/jogging last two days. The heat is horrible and I've been having dizzy spells. I figured play it safe. But I did end up walking total of three miles to and from a friends' house. Some of it I jogged too.
Once again my weight isn't moving.
So my ex is still trying to cause problems for me and attempting to turn people against me. If they knew just how horribly abusive he was towards me, how much hurt and suffering I went threw because of him, he would be alone. And his attempts at trying to make himself look great and doing better then me is sad. Fine his band was doing great..... 10 years ago. Their now are constantly losing members and trying to replace them so they can't do a show, nobody even remembers them anymore, doing drugs, drinking to the point he's wondering around downtown not knowing what he's doing and people have to look for him, drinking and driving, chain smoking, about to lose his house, car, etc. And he's bragging about hanging out with a ex-drummer for a certain early 90's musician that everyone makes fun of. Only hint I'm giving as to who it is is that he's ice that's vanilla flavored. Anyways, my ex would be a perfect candidate for VH1 Where Are They Now. And this is supposed to make me want to come back? Make me feel oh so bad for leaving his sorry behind? HAHAHA! Dream on little boy. I'm using my ex as inspiration. To do better.

Another BBQ

but there was raw veggies and lettuce so I stuck with that and plenty of water and coffee.
So what do you do when you're having a "fling" with someone and you didn't intend to fall in love with them but you did? But you don't want to be in a relationship and they don't either? But yet you so badly want to tell them you love them but you don't want to mess up what you have going with them cause you're happy and content with it for now? You see I don't want to start another relationship right now cause I just got out of a really abusive one 6 months ago. I'm not ready yet. But this person is amazing. Instead of cutting me down like my ex, he brings me up. When everyone else is insulting me and poking at my weight he's there saying I'm beautiful and wonderful just the way I am. I never had anyone say that to me.

Fat is slowly diappearing

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 178 (BMI: 32.6)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

Three more pounds to go. I ate nothing and lived off of lemonade and black coffee. I guess a blend of the lemonade fast and coffee diet. Seemed to have worked with me. I know I will reach my goal waaaaay before August 7th. But I'm about to go to a BBQ. But apparently they'll have fruit so I'll stick to that. Anyways, I just figured I'll post about that.
Still no job. And my ex has manage to turn what I thought was a friend against me. And now suddenly he's buddy buddy with my cousin and she apparently doesn't care to talk to me anymore. And we use to talk a lot. It's kinda heart breaking. Ok, it's completely heart breaking. I was there for my "friend" threw thick and thin. When everyone turned against her I was still there without even questioning her because I knew the truth and I knew she was right.

Job searching

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 184 (BMI: 33.7)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

I'm going to start job searching today. With the rain today I'm going to apply online. Even though it's not raining at the moment but as soon as I have a application in my hand it will start to pour again. And I walk or bicycle anywhere I want to go.
I lost another pound. I got worried yesterday. But I realized it was cause how hot and humid it was yesterday and the day before. I always retain fluid when it's hot, even more so when it's humid. But I jump on the scale today and saw I dropped another pound. Then again I did sweat off the fluid I had build up last night. I kept waking up covered in sweat. So I'm hoping this is a pound of fat and not just water weight.
Went to the beach the other day. Went to a spot that nobody goes too. Swim a little then jump on a trail that's there. Walked for awhile. Loved it.
My Ex now thinks I want to be back with him. HAHAHA! Wow! What a joke that is. Apparently cause I'm pleasant to him when he gets in contact with me makes it that I want him. I never understood his logic on that. I remember once a woman he use to work with had called since he was the one that helped with hiring people and asked if they where hiring again. That's all she asked and wanted to know. As soon as he got off the phone with her "I think she wants me! She called and asked about a job, I know she wants me." Please! She wanted a job, not you, and you help with hiring, duh! It's like whatever I don't want you. It's you that wants me back. Which is why he use to text me asking if I missed him and why he's always drunk messaging me about how horrible his life is now and how it's spiraling out of control since I left. And how he misses having someone. Etc, etc. Now drunk messages I don't reply too. But I have replied to the "do you miss me?" I always replied no. After the 3rd no he stopped. He can't stand the fact that I don't want him and I don't miss him. So he's making up BS. The thing that worries me is that he's feeding this to a woman that's believing him. I don't blame her. He's good at the whole "whoa is me" lines and people do tend to fall for it. And that's what worries me. She apparently broke up with her boyfriend so he's laying it on thick now to her. She's falling for it. I don't want her to get hurt like I did. But he has her convince I'm a complete nutjob (oh if she only knew who really was) so if I was to warn her she wouldn't believe me. I see the games he's playing, the same games he played on me. And I hate seeing another woman get hurt as bad as I did by him. even now every night when I go to bed I have nightmares and it's been 7 months. Sometimes the nightmares are bad enough that I can't sleep rest of the night.
That's about all that's going on in my life at the moment.

Relasped

Anorexia is not a easy life. I've dealt with this my whole life. Even as a child. I was a 6 year old little girl who put herself on a diet without anyone knowing cause I was tired of being fat. I look back at old photos of that 6 year old me and realized I wasn't fat at the time. Anyways, being a little kid I would get tired of the "diet." But I never did really eat candy, just never cared for it. Still don't. Not much of a sweets kinda person. Around 11 I started putting on weight like most kids do at that age. I didn't like it. I hated it. But it wouldn't stop. Around that time I was also suffering from depression, which made me eat more. So, I packed on even more weight. Around 14 is when Anorexia reared it's ugly head in full swing. At 15 I suffered a full blown attack from a illness I still suffer from today and will always suffer from. That only help encourage my anorexia cause anything that I ate would cause my stomach go into extremely painful spasms. I would fast for a week, two weeks, even a month straight. Within that year I dropped 40 some pounds. I remember the day I saw my first rib. I remember when I realized you could see my spine. Finally my doctors and I got my illness under control. But they of course didn't know about my anorexia. They assumed all my weight loss was from the illness, which most of it was. They assumed I would gain it back. I finally did few years later at 17 when I attempted to recover from my ED. It was a promise to someone that I would try my best to get better after they figured out what was going on. Then at around 20 it came back again. During those 3 years there was many times it would try to come back and I struggled so hard to push it back. But finally I wasn't strong enough to fight back. I was depressed, under to much stress, and in a abusive relationship. Anorexia won, again. Then one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was completely broken. I had to get my life back. I struggle so hard to escape the cold fingers that anorexia had grasped onto me, I finally did. The guy I was with was trying to get better from being what he was. He went into therapy. Everything seemed to be getting better. But then it all went down hill, again. He went back to being abusive, this time verbal and controlling. And once again I was going weeks with fasting. I ended up sick with a rare illness were your immune system attacks your blood. I was hospitalized. By the time I decided to go to the hospital I shocked doctors that I was even walking, let alone alive. I had lost 20ibs. I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. I had to be careful while in the hospital not to so much lightly bump into anything cause I could of bleed to death. I had blood under the sign from them checking my blood pressure. Finally I was able to go home. But the meds they put me on made me hungry as a horse. So I ate and gained the 20ibs back and then some. I decided to once again attempt to recover from anorexia and escape my boyfriend. It took a year but I finally escaped him. Anorexia was extremely hard to leave, ended up with a addiction to exercising. It was like I was abandoning my best friend but I thought I finally escaped anorexia. But sadly I didn't. It came back, this time with a addiction to exercising. And while I'm far enough away from my ex that he can't physically hurt me, he still won't leave me alone. But at least I can just ignore his messages. And here I am in my mid 20's attempting to start my life over again with a ED.