I just want to be perfect

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 186 (BMI: 34.0)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.I know, I know, I haven't really posted much lately. I've been horrible, more like a horrible pig. It's been none stop birthdays and BBQ's and if I don't eat people flip out some reason lately. Well, the reason is because I have stomach problems and they flip out thinking it's that and start pushing medication for stomachs on me. I say no and they start getting upset. If I say I'm not hungry they won't stop up about eating a little of everything. What part of I'm not hungry don't they understand. That's it no more eating. I'm fasting. I'm sick of being fat. All I want is to be thin. I've been thinking, I never used them before, but I was thinking of using diet pills. But I'm lost in the world of diet pills. Any suggestions? I feel so sick to my stomach. I know I'm on my monthly so that tends to add a few pounds. But not 11-12 pounds. At most 5ibs. I'm going to go and work out until I fall over tired.

He's not getting me back

So my ex still attempts to get me back. Still attempts to get my jealous. Clearly he didn't really know me or he would know I wasn't the type to get jealous over other woman looking at men I'm interested in or in this case immature boys that I was with but is sooooo not interested in anymore and glad it's over. Anyways, I guess him spying on me like he does he seen me and my friend talking about weight loss on facebook. She's losing weight as well and everyone thinks I'm losing weight the "healthy" way. I had mentioned I had gone down a size in jeans to her. He sends me a message "I would like to see your ass in those jeans." So I sent a reply back "HAHAHA!!!!! Sucks for you cause my ass is reserved for someone else." He left me alone for few days, finally! But I woke up this morning to more messages from him. You'll think he'll get the point that I don't want him and I'm interested in someone else. I don't care how lonely he is. He brought it on himself. He had me, he was abusive, I had enough and I left his sorry ass. He can send me messages about all these woman that want him. I'm not going to get jealous. I just worry about these woman cause I know how he's like. I know what's it's like to be abused. I don't ever want to see another woman go threw that. But I have noticed he's sending less messages. Maybe he's getting it!
So I gained weight. I've been having really bad stomach problems (I have IBS and diverticulosis. Yeah, lucky me!) last few days. I ended up spending the early mornings yesterday puking. Then slept rest of morning, day, night, and this morning. So, I think with my stomach (I easily bloat) and the heat (which makes me gain water weight) it's causing me to gain some weight. I can feel the bloat. I hate that. It's so gross. Sorry for you readers. I'm sure that's more then you wanted to know! Anyways, so I might wait few days before I weigh myself. Let the bloat settle.

Woot!

Weight: 186
BMI 34.0
1st Goal weight: 175
By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160
By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99
By: Oct.
So I lost a pound. Hopefully I'll lose that other pound. And with even more hope I lose 11 pounds to reach my first goat. Didn't do any workout today but I spent the day cleaning. Tomorrow I will get my butt out there and walk/jog. I really don't have anything else to say. Just wanted to write down my tiny progress. Plus, I want to keep the habit of writing in this. I started blogs many times before and I end up not keeping up with them. Then again those weren't for weight loss so I would go a while without anything worth writing about.

Guilt

Weight: 187
BMI 34.2
1st Goal weight: 175
2nd Goal weight: 160
The Big Goal: 99

I gained 2ibs. Ugh! Were, how, when? And I've been working out and eating nothing but calorie and fat free foods whenever I do eat. Maybe it's water weight? I hope! I really need to drop 12ibs. I know I can in a month if I could just have the courage and self control. I just need to get really strict on myself and work out even more then I have been. But with this cold I had which turned to sinus, it's hard to workout without it turning into a huge hacking fit.

Relasped

Anorexia is not a easy life. I've dealt with this my whole life. Even as a child. I was a 6 year old little girl who put herself on a diet without anyone knowing cause I was tired of being fat. I look back at old photos of that 6 year old me and realized I wasn't fat at the time. Anyways, being a little kid I would get tired of the "diet." But I never did really eat candy, just never cared for it. Still don't. Not much of a sweets kinda person. Around 11 I started putting on weight like most kids do at that age. I didn't like it. I hated it. But it wouldn't stop. Around that time I was also suffering from depression, which made me eat more. So, I packed on even more weight. Around 14 is when Anorexia reared it's ugly head in full swing. At 15 I suffered a full blown attack from a illness I still suffer from today and will always suffer from. That only help encourage my anorexia cause anything that I ate would cause my stomach go into extremely painful spasms. I would fast for a week, two weeks, even a month straight. Within that year I dropped 40 some pounds. I remember the day I saw my first rib. I remember when I realized you could see my spine. Finally my doctors and I got my illness under control. But they of course didn't know about my anorexia. They assumed all my weight loss was from the illness, which most of it was. They assumed I would gain it back. I finally did few years later at 17 when I attempted to recover from my ED. It was a promise to someone that I would try my best to get better after they figured out what was going on. Then at around 20 it came back again. During those 3 years there was many times it would try to come back and I struggled so hard to push it back. But finally I wasn't strong enough to fight back. I was depressed, under to much stress, and in a abusive relationship. Anorexia won, again. Then one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I was completely broken. I had to get my life back. I struggle so hard to escape the cold fingers that anorexia had grasped onto me, I finally did. The guy I was with was trying to get better from being what he was. He went into therapy. Everything seemed to be getting better. But then it all went down hill, again. He went back to being abusive, this time verbal and controlling. And once again I was going weeks with fasting. I ended up sick with a rare illness were your immune system attacks your blood. I was hospitalized. By the time I decided to go to the hospital I shocked doctors that I was even walking, let alone alive. I had lost 20ibs. I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. I had to be careful while in the hospital not to so much lightly bump into anything cause I could of bleed to death. I had blood under the sign from them checking my blood pressure. Finally I was able to go home. But the meds they put me on made me hungry as a horse. So I ate and gained the 20ibs back and then some. I decided to once again attempt to recover from anorexia and escape my boyfriend. It took a year but I finally escaped him. Anorexia was extremely hard to leave, ended up with a addiction to exercising. It was like I was abandoning my best friend but I thought I finally escaped anorexia. But sadly I didn't. It came back, this time with a addiction to exercising. And while I'm far enough away from my ex that he can't physically hurt me, he still won't leave me alone. But at least I can just ignore his messages. And here I am in my mid 20's attempting to start my life over again with a ED.