So

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 183 (BMI: 33.5)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.After my last post I worked out and purged everything I had from the BBQ for my Mom's birthday. Thankfully being a vegetarian there is a built in excuse why I ate very little there. I've avoided food since. Babysitting is making it easy to avoid eating. I know purging gets rid of only about 20% of calories but I rather lose 20% then 0%. I've lost few ibs since, thankfully. But how I wish I was at 177 like I was. Well more like I wish I could redo last two weeks cause I know I would of been at my 1st goal and most likely past it. But I guess I can't beat myself up and hang on to it. I gotta let it go if I want to move forward with this and get the weight gone. Good news, no more birthdays coming up. And hopefully that was the last of BBQ's. Now I can go back to avoiding all foods unless I have to eat to keep people off my backs.
Ok, I can't find my glasses. I think I left them over where I babysit. I'll call and see if they are there.

I just want to be perfect

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 186 (BMI: 34.0)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.I know, I know, I haven't really posted much lately. I've been horrible, more like a horrible pig. It's been none stop birthdays and BBQ's and if I don't eat people flip out some reason lately. Well, the reason is because I have stomach problems and they flip out thinking it's that and start pushing medication for stomachs on me. I say no and they start getting upset. If I say I'm not hungry they won't stop up about eating a little of everything. What part of I'm not hungry don't they understand. That's it no more eating. I'm fasting. I'm sick of being fat. All I want is to be thin. I've been thinking, I never used them before, but I was thinking of using diet pills. But I'm lost in the world of diet pills. Any suggestions? I feel so sick to my stomach. I know I'm on my monthly so that tends to add a few pounds. But not 11-12 pounds. At most 5ibs. I'm going to go and work out until I fall over tired.

ketosis

I want my body to go into ketosis. That would be awesome. I just need to figure out a strict diet plan for when I do have to eat it won't be anything with carbs in it. I just have to be patience for the 3 days it normally takes to get into that state. I never have been in ketosis. So hopefully I will be able too.
I still haven't lost any weight. Ugh!
Thankfully I didn't give into my binge wanting last night. I stayed strong all day yesterday. Thankfully I woke up this morning not wanting too!

resisting

I don't know why but I want to binge, horribly. I'm craving all kinds of disgusting foods (I'm talking fast food like disgusting). Carbs, fried, etc. I never really liked fried food but when a binge is coming on I start craving fried foods. Good thing is I'm a vegetarian so it makes it harder to binge on fried foods. Most is meats. I think it's because of two days of being at BBQ's and seeing all the food.
I've been avoiding walking/jogging last two days. The heat is horrible and I've been having dizzy spells. I figured play it safe. But I did end up walking total of three miles to and from a friends' house. Some of it I jogged too.
Once again my weight isn't moving.
So my ex is still trying to cause problems for me and attempting to turn people against me. If they knew just how horribly abusive he was towards me, how much hurt and suffering I went threw because of him, he would be alone. And his attempts at trying to make himself look great and doing better then me is sad. Fine his band was doing great..... 10 years ago. Their now are constantly losing members and trying to replace them so they can't do a show, nobody even remembers them anymore, doing drugs, drinking to the point he's wondering around downtown not knowing what he's doing and people have to look for him, drinking and driving, chain smoking, about to lose his house, car, etc. And he's bragging about hanging out with a ex-drummer for a certain early 90's musician that everyone makes fun of. Only hint I'm giving as to who it is is that he's ice that's vanilla flavored. Anyways, my ex would be a perfect candidate for VH1 Where Are They Now. And this is supposed to make me want to come back? Make me feel oh so bad for leaving his sorry behind? HAHAHA! Dream on little boy. I'm using my ex as inspiration. To do better.

Another BBQ

but there was raw veggies and lettuce so I stuck with that and plenty of water and coffee.
So what do you do when you're having a "fling" with someone and you didn't intend to fall in love with them but you did? But you don't want to be in a relationship and they don't either? But yet you so badly want to tell them you love them but you don't want to mess up what you have going with them cause you're happy and content with it for now? You see I don't want to start another relationship right now cause I just got out of a really abusive one 6 months ago. I'm not ready yet. But this person is amazing. Instead of cutting me down like my ex, he brings me up. When everyone else is insulting me and poking at my weight he's there saying I'm beautiful and wonderful just the way I am. I never had anyone say that to me.

So

While at the BBQ I munched on watermelon. Then took a walk around the woods for a while. It was nice taking a walk back there. Don't get to do it often enough. Plus, I wanted to see what was back there beyond the trails we have back there. Way it is in this house I won't be surprise if they find another reason to kick me out so when they do I'm headed to my Grandfather's woods. They assume I can't survive homeless. They assume I'm stupid. What they don't realize is when you take a woman who was a tomboy growing up (and still is), always interested in survival in the wild, grew up in the woods, loves working with her hands, prefers old fashion tools over electric, a Grandfather who built all kinds of houses, along with a father who built buildings (and said woman helped) plus plenty of woods, you get a woman who knows how to build a old fashion cabin without modern things. Just a ax and a club of sorts. Which making a club is easy. And my family leaves hand tools behind in the woods during the summer for getting wood for their wood burners. They just tuck them away in large plastic coolers so they won't rust in the rain but don't have to worry about lugging them back and forth with the wood. And people tend to stick the most random things back there. I came upon a RV that's in good shape. They don't use it. Awesome. Everything that I would need to build a tiny cabin is back there. Next time I get kicked out and they changed their mind, I'm not staying. Don't care how much they ask me to come back. I won't.

P.S. Funny part. I'll still have internet access there.

Fat is slowly diappearing

Starting weight: 190 (BMI: 34.7)
Current weight: 178 (BMI: 32.6)
1st Goal weight: 175 (BMI: 32.0) By: August 7th
2nd Goal weight: 160 (BMI: 30.2) By: Sept.
The Big Goal: 99 (BMI: 18.1) By: Oct.

Three more pounds to go. I ate nothing and lived off of lemonade and black coffee. I guess a blend of the lemonade fast and coffee diet. Seemed to have worked with me. I know I will reach my goal waaaaay before August 7th. But I'm about to go to a BBQ. But apparently they'll have fruit so I'll stick to that. Anyways, I just figured I'll post about that.
Still no job. And my ex has manage to turn what I thought was a friend against me. And now suddenly he's buddy buddy with my cousin and she apparently doesn't care to talk to me anymore. And we use to talk a lot. It's kinda heart breaking. Ok, it's completely heart breaking. I was there for my "friend" threw thick and thin. When everyone turned against her I was still there without even questioning her because I knew the truth and I knew she was right.

Staling

My weight is not budging at 184 and I don't know why. I've been walking non-stop lately and eating less then 150 calories. I have noticed my weight tends to not go below 180-185 area. Why? I use to be able to with no problem! I know I can get past this. Maybe I need to mix up my walking/jogging. Maybe take another route. I know sometimes our bodies can get use to a workout. I guess you'll call it get use to it. I have noticed to that I am gaining muscle in my legs. Maybe that's the problem. Muscle weights more then fat. Maybe I'm losing fat but gaining muscle instead. I hope that's what it is. I much rather have muscle then fat. Well, I'll just mix up my routine and see what happens in a week.
Job searching is still, well, I rather not talk about it. I already talked enough about it in this blog.

Some "ana tips" just don't work for me

It's weird but stuff that seems to help others don't for me. Or worse it does the complete opposite. Like drinking water to stay full. I tend to get more hungry it seems with that. Odd I know. Sometimes I wonder if it's just me that thinks that. Either way I'll still drink water instead of other things. But one thing that does always work for me. Cooking. If I cook by the time I'm done cooking I'm not hungry anymore and I don't want it. Smell of food and preparing is apparently enough for me. So at least I got that on my side. Maybe I should work in a soup kitchen or restaurant, I would never eat. Added benefit people assume that if you cook you ate some of it even though you didn't!
Mentioning of people thinking you're eating when you're not. I got to figure out safe foods to eat for when I have to sit down at the table with the family. Thankfully that hardly ever happens but when it does I want a plate of safe foods that are low or preferable no calories but  that doesn't scream that it is. Other words something besides a plate of salad. Cause my family will pick at me for eating only salad. Any suggestion on things that are low/0 calories but would come off as a "real meal?" I'm a vegetarian so that helps cause they are not. Therefore they are lost on what I can and can't eat. But the problem is they pick at what I eat with things like "you can't just eat only that?!?!"